


To Walk Alone, Beside You

by EmilieTulip



Series: To Walk Alone, Beside You [1]
Category: Arthurian Mythology, Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drunkenness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Merlin!whump, No Beta, Oblivious Arthur, Poor Merlin (Merlin), Sad, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love, We Die Like Women, Weddings, Whump, pure angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-28 05:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19387135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmilieTulip/pseuds/EmilieTulip
Summary: When Arthur kissed himself a bride, he didn't hear the shattering of a heart all too close. Neither did he notice the crestfallen smile painted on his best friend's face as he walked back down the isle. How could he? He was entirely enraptured with the enchanting warmth that was Guinevere - his bride.Alternatively: Arthur marries Gwen unknowing that his best friend is absolutely besotted with him.





	To Walk Alone, Beside You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [merlin_the_dragonlord](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlin_the_dragonlord/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Always You, Never Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1877256) by [merlin_the_dragonlord](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlin_the_dragonlord/pseuds/merlin_the_dragonlord). 



> I love angst. I love Merlin.  
> Sorry Merlin. . .

When Arthur met Guinevere at the end of the isle, Merlin was right there by his side. He smiled, lowering his head to blink away the sheen building behind blue eyes, and took a step backwards. Guinevere didn't notice his nod in her direction, didn't notice the way his hands trembled as he let him go. She was too focused, entirely absorbed in the golden man who was about to become her forever. When Arthur kissed himself a bride, he didn't hear the shattering of a heart all too close. Neither did he notice the crestfallen smile painted on his best friend's face as he walked back down the isle. How could he? He was entirely enraptured with the enchanting warmth that was Guinevere - his bride. 

The reception, much like the ceremony, was beautiful. The sky was blue, the sun danced down in ribbons of white and gold, and even the birds seemed to be celebrating. There was cake and merriment and alcohol. Gods how Merlin needed the alcohol. The empty weight tugging at his chest was near agony. There was no comparison. The closest he could place it was a dreary day in March when he had buried his mother. Even then, the golden presence of Arthur was still warm at his side, reassuring him that he was not alone. This was a wedding. He was meant to be happy. But even saints become sinners, and Merlin had no strength to feel joy as the love of his life married somebody else. 

The speeches came and went. Merlin stumbled through his own as best man. Arthur laughed at his stuttering, mistaking heartbreak for idiocy and too much wine. He wasn't entirely wrong . . . 

Because Merlin was an idiot. A stupid, foolhardy, idiot who had fallen in love with his best friend. Arthur had teased him, supported him, beamed at him with that earth-shattering grin, and he hadn't stood a chance. He had fallen hard. When he hit the floor alone there was just enough strength left to watch his love fall for another. And why wouldn't he? Gwen was perfect. She was kind to everyone, even those who slighted her. Merlin wanted to hate her - this would all be so much easier if he hated her - but she was kind to him as well. Guinevere Smith was perhaps the most honest and decent person to ever grace the earth, and fuck her for that! Of course Arthur fell in love with her. They were both leaders; both brilliant beacons of hope and love. They were happy and now? Now they would share in their happiness for eternity. 

Ugh. Merlin downed the rest of his wine in one, ignoring Gwaine's enthused laugh and Morgana's concerned glances. Standing (stumbling), he pushed his chair outwards with his heart set on his car and home. He didn't want to think about Arthur and Gwen any more. Didn't want his mind to wader to their first night in their new home and all that entailed. Especially, he didn't want to think about how empty his flat would be without Arthur there with him. 

His hands fumbled with his keys as he failed to unlock his car. Another attempt found them falling to the floor and Merlin cursed his life. He just wanted to get home! Was that really too much to ask after the day he had? Surely not? Surely he deserved a small mercy in this stupid, cruel life? He didn't ask for much, after all, he'd just given away the only thing that meant much of anything to him. Merlin was reaching sloppily down to grab his keys when a hand tightened around his wrist. Sparks. Arthur. 

'You are not driving yourself, my friend.' 

Merlin snorted, the familiar words already half out of his mouth, 'Who are you to call me friend?' 

Arthur merely snorted, swinging his hand around Merlin's shoulder and pulling him close to ruffle his hair. Merlin's heart seized. Arthur was always a touchy-feely person, a childhood of cold parenting had ensured this. Merlin normally cherished the small touches. To him, each and every gesture was a stolen moment where Arthur belonged solely to him. But Arthur did not. He never would. Merlin pulled himself out of the embrace.

'Leaving without saying goodbye?' Arthur frowned, 'That's not like you, Merlin.' 

Merlin sighed, 'Didn't think you'd notice. I didn't want to interrupt.' 

Arthur's frown only deepened. Merlin wasn't having that. Whilst tonight might be the worst of his life, for Arthur it was meant to be the best. 

'So,' he slurred, 'how's it feel to be a married man?' 

The frown slipped, immediately replaced by a blissful smile. Merlin wanted to be sick. He wanted to cry. He wanted to kiss that goddam smile right off Arthurs stupidgorgeous face.

'Incredible, Merlin.' He sighed. 'Guinevere is perfect. She's all I've ever wanted and I just feel so entirely complete. Like we're-'

'Two sides of the same coin?' 

'Exactly.' 

The conversation lulled and Merlin found his attention drawn back to the keys on the floor. They were sitting in the centre of a murky puddle. Wonderful. He snorted, pulling Arthur from his daydreams and back into the present. He followed Merlin's line of gaze. The frown returned to his perfectly sculpted face.

'You're not driving, Merlin.' Spoke Arthur, 'Not in this state.' 

Was he a state? Merlin wondered. He hardly knew, but with the way Arthur was looking at him it was fairly obvious how he must look. Ugly. Gross. Never good enough for golden Arthur. 

Unaware of his friends inner turmoil, Arthur continued. 'I understand that the hour is late and people may wish to depart soon. It's almost time for Guinevere and I to leave as well. I'm not going to forget you trying to sneak away, although it's probably for the best that you head home.' 

If that wasn't a kick in the guts, Merlin didn't know what was. He had outstayed his welcome. It always happened. His father left, Gilly left, Freya, Will, and even his mother. It didn't matter how. They all found some way to leave him once he got too much. Now it was Arthur's turn to leave. He had Gwen now, and with her came a life where he could feel complete. Merlin had always considered Arthur the other side of his coin, his one true soulmate, but Arthur could never feel the same way. It killed him to know this, yet maybe it was the best option. With Arthur far away from him, he couldn't get hurt by Merlin, and if Merlin left first, he could not drive him away. He ignored the cruel voice that told him Arthur had already removed himself.

'-wine completely addled your brain, Merlin! Are you even listening to me? Merlin!'

Merlin jumped, startled, and Arthur snorted at his friends antics. 

'I've called you a cab.' said Arthur, pulling the intoxicated fellow in for another hug. Merlin crushed himself against his love, breathing in his scent one last time. 'I'm not having you drive drunk. It should be here any seco- ah! Here it is.'

And true to his word, a black cab was pulling up the long drive of the venue. It stopped a few feet away and waited expectantly. Merlin sighed, reaching down to grab his thoroughly soaked keys before stumbling towards the cab. Vaguely, he was aware of Arthur murmuring directions towards the driver. His hair caught in the silken moonlight and Merlin's breath stuttered. Gorgeous. 

'Hey, seatbelt on.' And suddenly Arthur was back at his side, reaching around him to click in the harness. 'Get home safe, my friend. Tomorrow is a new day.' 

'Wait,' cried Merlin, wrapping his hands in the expensive material of his love's shirt. 'I have to, have to say something.' 

He had to tell him.

Arthur smiled, and the world lit on fire. 'Yes?' 

'I . . . I'm proud of you.' I love you. 'Gwen, she'll . . . You're going to be happy.' 

'Merlin,' Arthur laughed. 'Thank you, my friend, but I've always been happy.' 

Later, Merlin would reflect on what those words could possibly mean, and if Arthur was maybe just as intoxicated as him. Later, in harsh sobriety, he would feel the pain of loss as sharp as a dagger between the ribs. Later, he would wonder if he should have bothered to sober up at all. Later there would be time for maybes, but this moment was not later. 

When Merlin got back to his flat, he felt the weight of Arthur's absence and sobbed until there were no more tears left to cry.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments welcome - Tell me what yah think!
> 
> Considering a sequel if I get enough good feedback and don't lose interest.


End file.
